Was it real?

I have this memory that just remembered inside my head. Now, at the time I didn’t know if it was real or not. Which is why I think I’ve been sick longer than I thought. I couldn’t tell reality from a dream or whatever else. Anyway, this memory involves my dad touching a private place but only once and for a brief moment. I still don’t know if its real. That is what bothers me the most. I’ll never know if it was real. I know I felt really uncomfortable with him being in the bed with  me when I was at his house after that. I have a weird relationship with my dad. He’s been an alcoholic for so long and he was so abusive growing up, mentally toward everyone, and physically to my mom. I don’t know if I hate him. I must love him, right? Maybe I just don’t like him. I don’t know what stirred this memory up. I also had a flashback a few months ago when I saw a bar stool in goodwill that looked just like the one my dad threw at my mom. I hadn’t even been thinking about anything. It just flashed into my head. I wish I had better memories growing up.

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